Family Centric – Dealing with Cancerous Marriage
“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~Doug Larson
Cancer is a disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body. These cells eventually grow to become malignant and most of the time could cause the death of the host. It is a known fact that some type of cancer if when detected early, could be brought under control. It is said in the medical circle that early discovery of this deadly disease is a key to survival.
It is no news that a lot of marriages are struggling to survive. The rate of divorce is at an alarming rate. The devil’s onslaught against this sacred institution has reached a trepid crescendo in recent times. Couples, who once swore they would never leave each other eventually finds themselves in situation where they are at daggers drawn and at each other’s jugular. Sometimes, I ask myself, what happens to the ‘I can’t live my life without you’ or phrases like ‘my life is incomplete without you’ or stuff like ‘you are my heartbeat, without you I am dead’ the list is endless. What happens to all the laughter and the moment of bliss you enjoyed together shortly after your wedding. Somewhere along the line, things began to fall apart and the center could no longer hold. Couples who had spent time together end up loathing each other with passion. Something is wrong and I mean something must be definitely wrong somewhere. Where have we missed it?
Let me start by saying that there is no marriage without a foundation and like the scriptures say, ‘If the foundation be destroyed what can the righteous do?’ If the foundation of your marriage is polluted definitely, your marriage will end up being polluted. Another verse from the scripture reads, ‘Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?’ – James 3:11. The answer is a definite No! A spouse that beats up his/her partner in a marriage relationship will most likely had shown sign of a belligerent character which must have been ignored by the partner all in the name of love. A man or woman that cheated on you during your engagement will most likely do same even after you become married. These are the ‘little cells we ignore that eventually grows to make most marriages cancerous. It is not always true that you can completely change your spouse after you eventually get married, you may be living in fantasy world to think that. I have heard people tell me, ‘I never knew my spouse could do something so awful.’ The truth is, he’s always been that way but had only succeeded to put that habit in recession while you were engaged. A person entering into a marriage relationship is like a marketer who tries to convince his buyers of the ‘wonder product’ he has in stock. He will go over and beyond to convince his prospective buyers of the value the product and it is not uncommon for this marketer to exaggerate in the process of trying to convince his listeners. Excited! You buy the products and on unwrapping it, you discover that you have been sold a lie. Does it mean that you can never have a blissful marriage? The answer is no, you can but it will take a conscious effort which starts with a decision from both parties to make the marriage work.
Most marriages that end in divorce have been attributed to the inability of couples to resolve conflicts. Know this for sure that offenses will definitely come within the marriage. It is your ability to handle the conflict that will determine the longevity of your marriage. Let me share this truth about dealing with conflict with you:
Don’t be in denial: There is nothing too sacred for you to talk about in your marriage. When there is an offense, couple should ensure they talk about this and have it settled. Don’t be in denial and pretend that all is well when it is not. Remember, this ‘little cells’ can grow and become malignant. The Scriptures says, ‘Can a man put fire in his bosom and not be burnt?’- Proverbs 6:27.
Control your tongue: Oh! How many marriages have been destroyed by this little member of our body. Are your words seasoned with salt? Avoid heated exchange as much as possible. Two wrong can never make a right. Maintain your cool or at best step out for a while in order for nerves to calm. Don’t say something you might later regret. Words spoken cannot be retrieved. Soft answer turns away anger. When your spouse is angry, don’t fuel the fire of his/her temper. Learn to restrain. Be wise!
Crush the ‘I’ Syndrome: Every human has the root of selfishness in him. We think about ourselves first before we do others. That’s why people will do everything to crush opposition particularly if they pose as a threat to them but in marriage, the reverse should be the case. The ‘I’ should be replaced with ‘us.’ There is a collective ownership now. It’s no more ‘your’ car but ‘our’ car. It’s no more ‘your’ success but ‘ours.’ Don’t be selfish in owning up to your fault. Be humble enough to admit and apologize, by doing this, you are killing those ‘small cells.’
Fill your home with laughter: Laughter is a free gift. Can you imagine if a price is attached to laughter? I am sure the very rich would have bought for themselves and cronies without leaving for the common man. I know there are things that could make you sad sometimes but don’t dwell on these. Sadness is a fertilized ground for the devil to sow the seed of depression. Be happy! Be an expert in lighting the candle of joy in your family. Let the joy of the Lord be your strength and the bind that holds your family together.
Pray! Pray!! Pray!!! – You can never pray to much. The ‘evil vulture’ is looking for where to perch. Prayer-proof your home. Research shows that the couple that prays together has a lower rate of divorce and enjoyed a blissful marriage than any other. When you pray together, the chances are that your heart will knit into one. Whatever the challenge that you may face, take it together before the Lord and He will see you through. Your home is blessed.